I've been struggling the last few days. I've been struggling with my own spirituality and faith because of certain events both recent and past that lead me to question the path I am meant to take. If there is one thing I have learned in journey of life, there is nothing that is simply coincidence. Things have happened for good or for bad to lead me in a certain direction.
Only recently I have felt lost. Empty. Disconnected. I have always considered myself spiritual and connected to a "Higher Power". Lately i feel so empty. It isn't that I have lost faith. It's more...how do I explain it...question whether I should be following the Jewish path. I used to race and I gave up the lifestyle for something more important - my faith and starting a family. Only not being able to sell my house (to be closer to the Jewish community) and not being able to get pregnant makes me question what else is there? If Hashem doesn't want THAT for me, then what else is there??
I have a trip to Israel to either show up for or not on Sunday. I am paid up, signed up. I honestly don't see the point in going. Do i go?? Do i bother? It just seems like it will be more of a reminder of the life I am not meant to have and make me feel worse. I won't feel inspired. I'll feel like...well that Hashem doesn't really want me to have that life. Because when i get back the house is still not sold. I am still very far from the Jewish community. And i still won't be pregnant.
People keep telling me that maybe it's a test. Maybe Hashem wants to see how badly I want this. If Hashem can't tell. well...
In the same breath people tell me that things happen the way they should. Which leads me to the argument above - if no kids and not being near the Jewish community...ok i won't repeat it.
I keep waiting for some kind of moment of enlightenment that all this will become clear...nope I got nothin.
So I sit here wondering whether or not I pack my bags.
PS for anyone thinking it's the economy. It isn't. The housing market has not been affected in this area in "that" way. Things are indeed selling. Just not our house.
Pinchas sources
2 hours ago
