Spiritual Journeys

I've been struggling the last few days. I've been struggling with my own spirituality and faith because of certain events both recent and past that lead me to question the path I am meant to take. If there is one thing I have learned in journey of life, there is nothing that is simply coincidence. Things have happened for good or for bad to lead me in a certain direction.

Only recently I have felt lost. Empty. Disconnected. I have always considered myself spiritual and connected to a "Higher Power". Lately i feel so empty. It isn't that I have lost faith. It's more...how do I explain it...question whether I should be following the Jewish path. I used to race and I gave up the lifestyle for something more important - my faith and starting a family. Only not being able to sell my house (to be closer to the Jewish community) and not being able to get pregnant makes me question what else is there? If Hashem doesn't want THAT for me, then what else is there??

I have a trip to Israel to either show up for or not on Sunday. I am paid up, signed up. I honestly don't see the point in going. Do i go?? Do i bother? It just seems like it will be more of a reminder of the life I am not meant to have and make me feel worse. I won't feel inspired. I'll feel like...well that Hashem doesn't really want me to have that life. Because when i get back the house is still not sold. I am still very far from the Jewish community. And i still won't be pregnant.

People keep telling me that maybe it's a test. Maybe Hashem wants to see how badly I want this. If Hashem can't tell. well...

In the same breath people tell me that things happen the way they should. Which leads me to the argument above - if no kids and not being near the Jewish community...ok i won't repeat it.

I keep waiting for some kind of moment of enlightenment that all this will become clear...nope I got nothin.

So I sit here wondering whether or not I pack my bags.

PS for anyone thinking it's the economy. It isn't. The housing market has not been affected in this area in "that" way. Things are indeed selling. Just not our house.

..but at least i'm healthy...continued...

Yes my bad mood lingers on. Sorry for being such a buzz kill.

Today was our big open house. Yeah right. One couple showed. Not serious. Based on what our agent said, they already laid out the non commital clause "my wife doesn't have a permanent job yet". Ok so they're window shopping.

It's not that no one showed up. It's that the ad that was supposed to promote the open house didn't get posted because of some mess up. It's because our house has been listed for four months and hasn't sold. (don't tell me it's the market, it isn't that, houses are selling quite steadily, thank you). It's spending three thousand dollars to fix the feedback we had heard from the first ten people who saw the house, only now no one is coming to see the house.

It's that I can't seem to get pregnant. It's that my parents abandonned me when I was nineteen. It's that it always seems that I spend more time away from people than with them.

If Hashem has a grander plan for me, then it seems that it involves me not being around people. Or around Jewish people.

So it seems, like maybe i shouldn't go to Israel. Because it seems that would just make me feel even more inadequate and remind me that I am a barren Jewish woman who can't sell her house to be near the Jewish community. And that is my buzz kill.

I mean how long do I keep trying before I accept what is painfully obvious that I'm not meant to be more than a wanna be mountain bike racer, non-environmental scientist who can't seem to get anything right?

Oh right. But at least I have my health.

I suppose things could be worse.

I mean i have my health, right? And a good job. So things aren't that bad I suppose. I suppose my brain kind of knows that. I hear the words. But my heart aches. Every time i look at my belly, knowing there is no baby in there. Another month of trying.

Today i was brought to tears because i think of all the babies in the world that no one wants. I think of all the abortions that women have. I think of how much other people don't want their babies, and I just want one.

But. At least I have my health.

suppose this dox

I remember when Dox was Docs. As in Dr Martens. But then there was a problem with those, because Skinheads wore them, and well...you know. Just not Jewish friendly.

But now, there are more types of dox.

I create docs at work.

But that isn't what I am talking about. I am talking about Orthodox and holy crap check out the varieties. The menu at the Starbucks should be this complicated?!

What kind of dox are you?

Last night I was at a Shavuot cheesecake party. (don't you love that about Shavuot?) and a gentleman was describing how his dad keeps kosher, but may drive on Yom Tov. The rabbi's wife said something about confuso-dox. Beg yer pardin?

How about Jewish. He's Jewish, your Jewish, I'm Jewish. Period.

Practicing Jewish, non practicing Jewish. Period

Secular Jewish? Cultural Jewish? Please.

You're either Jewish or your not. You are either practicing or your not. Ok, i'll allow for spectrum in the practicing. The "how good of a Jew are you" is not for us humans to decide. Hashem can very well judge whether He thinks you did enough in this world.

So to those arguing about whether something is Jewish/kosher enough? Shut up already.

Wake up my Jewish Peeps!

I'm in a bit of ranting mood today. I was listening to my mp3 player, and my daily Mitzvah from the Chabad page. Today's mitzvot had to do with Loving Hashem, Fearing Hashem and knowing there is only One. I enjoyed how Rabbi explained the "human" terms to describe Hashem who is obviously beyond human understanding.

I started to think about what is going on in the world. I had read this morning that even a member of my government is speaking out against Israel. I felt scared. I felt angry. Didn't something similar happen before 1939? People slowly blaming the Jews. Economic crisis. Bad times. Ignorance and apathy. Then...Is it me or does it seem like a pattern is repeating itself?

There is all this infighting. Kosher "enough". Jewish enough or not. WAKE UP!! All that garbage is making you blind to the fact that the world is becoming anti-semetic. Hello?? Anyone listening?? All that garbage makes people even less interested in learning the Torah (which is already lacking as it is).

Is it me, or is everyone just plain stupid?

Done now. maybe.

Documentary on Jewish History

Worth a watch.

I guess i should say a little more. I've been tweeting so much lately i find it hard to write out full paragraphs. Or not. Or i just think this video really speaks for itself. And it speaks to me.

a SHEXXY blog

I've joined in on a blog on Sex Drugs and Judaism. Go and have a look :)

Also twittering lots. maybe too much.