I'm sick

I've been sick for a week. I've also been very grumpy. grumpy enough to delete a blog post.

I've been stressing myself out over selling the house. I've been stressing out over getting pregnant. I've been stressing out over a job interview. Family, home, work. The three major stressors in ones' life.

I haven't just been stressing. I've been having a major meltdown. Everything is out of my control and I hate it. It's scary. I want to trust Hashem. I want to be able to say that I have total trust. I want to, but I am so scared. I am scared that Hashem's answer will be "no". No, we cannot move where (or when) we want to. I am scared that maybe Hashem's answer will be no, and how disappointed I will feel. I am scared that the answer is no because I don't deserve to be near the Jewish community. I am scared the answer will be no, because I don't deserve to have a child.

Now I am sick, I don't feel good physically which doesn't help me mentally either.