Post number 200

and why do I feel so lousy?

Could it be because I've already messed up my Omer time, because I didn't know about the music thing?

Could it be because we still haven't sold the house, and I'm still not pregnant?

or rather, could it be that I upset a friend?

I didn't know I upset her. I didn't know that my absence actually affected her.

The background - she's a friend. She's a nice friend. She remembers the Jewish holidays (she's Catholic) and my birthday. She came to our wedding. We haven't been keeping in touch the last few years for this reason or that.

Her wedding was announced and so were a bunch of pre-wedding events. I didn't go. I had two reasons - the first, at the time, my marriage was almost over. I really was in no mood for weddings. The second, i hate the bridal shower stuff. I really do. Dumb games and watching someone open a bunch of presents while everyone decides whether the other gal spent enough or is too cheap...it just isn't for me. We did go to their wedding.

Then she announced her pregnancy. The first baby shower was on Shabbos, so I was unable to go. The second one...well, again, I don't like present giving parties. It isn't that I mind buying someone a gift. I just find watching someone open a bunch of presents while everyone else oohs and aahs just painfully boring.

So really, I have only seen this friend on average about once per year in the last four.

Early this week she sent me a very angry email. Woh. She is TICKED off with a very big capital T. After all this time, she explains how disappointed she is, and etc etc. I apologized, explained that I really do have my reasons (I didn't want to have to explain how i nearly got divorced) and that I appreciate her honesty and certainly for telling me. and i do. Because if i am doing something that is clearly distressing, then i want to be able to correct it. I may not like going to the parties, but i can make more of an effort to make a quick show or something.

Well, that certainly didn't cut it for my friend. Still angry. So angry in fact she suggested I should my response to my husband. I'm not really sure what she was trying to imply, i am pretty sure it wasn't flattering.

anyway, i don't understand why after YEARS of absence she is suddenly angry. I have a hunch the pregnancy hormones might be making her slightly emotional. I don't know.

I feel bad but not really guilty if that makes sense. I feel bad for obviously upsetting her. Had i known she would be upset, i would have tried to find some kind of solution...but I apologized. I mean should i be sending the "oh i am soooo sorry, please please please forgive me?" kind of notes. I explained I was sorry. I told her i appreciated her honesty and that yes she really has been a nice friend. What more can i say?