I've been struggling the last few days. I've been struggling with my own spirituality and faith because of certain events both recent and past that lead me to question the path I am meant to take. If there is one thing I have learned in journey of life, there is nothing that is simply coincidence. Things have happened for good or for bad to lead me in a certain direction.
Only recently I have felt lost. Empty. Disconnected. I have always considered myself spiritual and connected to a "Higher Power". Lately i feel so empty. It isn't that I have lost faith. It's more...how do I explain it...question whether I should be following the Jewish path. I used to race and I gave up the lifestyle for something more important - my faith and starting a family. Only not being able to sell my house (to be closer to the Jewish community) and not being able to get pregnant makes me question what else is there? If Hashem doesn't want THAT for me, then what else is there??
I have a trip to Israel to either show up for or not on Sunday. I am paid up, signed up. I honestly don't see the point in going. Do i go?? Do i bother? It just seems like it will be more of a reminder of the life I am not meant to have and make me feel worse. I won't feel inspired. I'll feel like...well that Hashem doesn't really want me to have that life. Because when i get back the house is still not sold. I am still very far from the Jewish community. And i still won't be pregnant.
People keep telling me that maybe it's a test. Maybe Hashem wants to see how badly I want this. If Hashem can't tell. well...
In the same breath people tell me that things happen the way they should. Which leads me to the argument above - if no kids and not being near the Jewish community...ok i won't repeat it.
I keep waiting for some kind of moment of enlightenment that all this will become clear...nope I got nothin.
So I sit here wondering whether or not I pack my bags.
PS for anyone thinking it's the economy. It isn't. The housing market has not been affected in this area in "that" way. Things are indeed selling. Just not our house.
Sunday's Spark of Mussar
42 minutes ago
10 comments:
It may be that it isn't Hashem's doing. It may simply be that the economy isn't like it use to be. When is your next open house?
The baby doesn't alway have to go out with the bath water. Life can be aggrivating - very aggrivating at times. Doesn't mean that you are doing anything wrong.
no, it isn't the economy. not in this area. stuff is selling. just not our house.
We didn't have children for 6 years. One of my friends didn't have children for at least 10, if not 15 years. Another couple still doesn't. You're not alone in this.
Thanks Moshe. I appreciate that. Unfortunately, waiting 15 years would definitely not be an option, given that i am 37.
Just saying that you're not alone in this.
There are 2 opinions. One, is that every single thing that happens, happens for a reason and that Hashem controls your everything that happens to you. The other, is that stuff happens and you shouldn't ascribe significance to every single thing. As far as the house goes, I'd say shit happens.
I apologize Moshe, i do appreciate the feedback, perhaps my tone came off wrong. I was chuckling about thinking of trying for 15 years...I do know i'm not alone, nor the only one in the world dealing with this kind of shtuff.
Thanks again for commenting.
I guess i'm not very patient. ok, i take that back. I'm NOT very patient. :)
Patience
Is a virtue
In a snail
Shorty,
trust me, I hear where you are coming from.
I, too, am kind of in the same boat. Although I do not have a house to sell, although I am not trying (yet) to be pregnant. ( I still need to find that husband first): I am also struggling, feeling that Hashem has suddenly hung up. I am there, still holding the phone, and keep on repeating "hello, hello, anyone there? HaShem? Helloooo? Please..." I have gone through so much, changed my lifestyle, faced death (and my parents), moved across the country, and suddenly, I am facing a dead line. One can starts wondering. However, I also know that everything Hashem does, He does for a good purpose, and that good purpose is directly related to me. I dont always see it. I dont always understand it, but I know it.
Now, let me ask you. How do YOU know that Hashem doesnt want that for you. He is not giving it to you yet, it doesnt mean its not meant to be forever, it just means now, at the minute.
You also said: " Because when i get back the house is still not sold. I am still very far from the Jewish community. And i still won't be pregnant."
Do you know that as a certainty? My suggestion is go, go to Israel, have a blast, plan on enjoying that trip as much as possible. Everything is ready, the door is open, and you are just wondering whether you should be walking through or not.
If you chose not to, in 1-2-5-10 years from now, you might regret it. But will you regret going? most likely not.
You can not control when your house will be sold, you can not control when you will be pregnant, but you can control whether you will get on that plane or not. Whether you chose to be inspired or not. You can control your own happiness and live your life as a Jewess, the best as you can, where you stand at the moment. No matter where you stood yesterday, no matter where you will stand tomorrow. This is now, and you are a Jew. Be proud, be confident, because Hashem is right there with you.
You also mentioned:
"People keep telling me that maybe it's a test. Maybe Hashem wants to see how badly I want this. If Hashem can't tell. well..."
Have you thought that maybe He can tell, but He needs to know if you can. We are taught that prayers are not meant to change Hashem's plans. They are meant to change us, to help us see His truth.
Go, you can reach the sky. Doubts and fears are the only stumbling blocks. The door is open, will you walk through?
Cheers
Emet Elisheva
(Now, if I could only uplift myself as well LOL) ;)
You are going through alot. We are here for you. It's very hard when we don't receive what we are seeking.
I sometimes feel down also. It's hard for me to find a job and I'm still not married.
I was thinking that maybe I should improve myself.
A shidduch was suggested to me recently, but I'm not sure if it will work out or not.
I guess the main thing is that we should trust that we'll receive in the right time.
I just want to add that I second what Elisheva said, so true
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